This week has been a long week. So much has transpired in just such a short time, not just in my life but in the lives of so many others. This week also taught me many valuable lessons and opened my eyes to some things that I didn't not only understand but also never fully realized before. Being a person who feels everything can be hard and draining but also being someone who knows that they have certain spiritual gifts (see 1 Corinthians 12 for more clarity) can be hard to handle when you truly don't know or are still learning how to properly use the tool that God has given and entrusted you with.
I have had certain spiritual experiences before, here and there all my life. When I say spiritual experiences I'm not talking about anything spooky or of witchcraft. I'm talking about experiences with dreams and just simply having an ultimate experience with God and hearing his voice. I've always felt like on top of me being such an overly caring person it was my responsibility to make sure that those who God has placed in my life will always be good, covered, and just so many other things. I never realized the toll it was taking on me mentally and physically. I found myself in situations where I was questioning my morals or holding on to the guilt from the what if's or the "should've, would've could've" of life. It wasn't up until this week where I realized that I don't truly give over what I can't handle or what's out of my control fully to God like I THINK I do. I also realized that I have a hard time releasing even if there's a possibility that I could still have some type of control over the outcome of the situation. Most of all I realized that I put way more responsibility on myself to act on the spiritual gifts given and not enough of truly asking God what is MY specific role or part in either a situation or a person's life.
For years I would go with the flow of what I clearly heard God tell me to say or do but I never spent moments on asking him what he wants from me during those times where he doesn't really show me the full picture clearly. There have been times where I've been so confused and guilted myself for feeling like I didn't do enough in a situation. I never looked at myself as the person who simply plants the seed or water the seed or nurture the seed, instead I looked at myself as the one responsible to do all 3 if I planted the seed. I never spent time asking God am I simply the planter in this situation or am I the one to water, or even nurture. I'm learning that having spiritual gifts do come with responsibility but it also ultimately comes with clear and frequent communication with God. Not just communication about the things we're believing in but including communicating about our purpose in each day we live and how we can truly live out the full capacity of the purpose of our life and also the mission God has for that particular day. I found peace in knowing that there are some should've, would've, could've moments that simply are just that because that is what was in God's will. It's not always because we didn't do our job it's simply because he's the ultimate story writer and he knows the reasoning behind everything. This is not to say be disobedient to what God is either showing or telling you. It's saying that we can't always beat ourselves up over the unknown and also learning to stop trying to figure God out. We need to learn balance and being willing with truly submitting and handing over our issues to God even when we feel like there's something more we can do or say.
My prayer today is that we communicate more frequently with God not just about the easy stuff but about the hard stuff and the things we don't understand. I pray that we also will be more confident in asking God what it is that he specifically wants from us. I pray that we ask God for a clearer understand of our purpose, our calling, and for those who know they have them our spiritual gifts as well. I pray that we will be more focused on what our assignment is in life and not be so caught up on fixing our focus on trying to figure God out.
With love,
-Yours Truly, Eb