Single But Married
Happy Saturday beautiful people! As I was thinking this morning on all of the things I've discussed on my blog so far in the past 4 months I realized that there's so much that I still haven't written about. One thing I've been wanting to share is my journey in my single season but I've been hesitant just because I like to keep certain parts of my life private, but for some reason I feel this tug to share more about my personal experiences so today I'm going to share about my season of singleness and what I've learned so far along the way.
So I've been single for almost 4 years. It's ironic that I'm coming up on year 4 because that's roughly how long my last relationship lasted. I legit dated the same person on and off from the age of 16 to 20. I can honestly look back and say I was truly young and that's coming from a pretty mature person for my age. Any who I grew up dealing with insecurities and low self esteem. I never really got play from guys for real compared to my other friends so the first guy that payed me any mind I seemed to had fell head over heels. As you can figure this was my 1st "real" relationship. I grew to love this person hard and yeah you can throw in there that I fell in love too I guess. Over the course of this time I really began to see a future with this person, I thought this was going to be my husband ya'll. All because I prayed to God that I would find the love of my life in High School and that I would be married by 22. Crazy right? We all know God interrupted all of MY plans as I've talked about before. Moving forward over the years we simply just grew apart and for me at first I didn't want to believe it, even after God told me this wasn't it. I was so emotionally invested and tied to this person that I couldn't imagine not being with him.
I remember when things ended for good my heart was so broken, I mean so broken I could physically feel my heart hurting. You never really know a heartbreak until your heart literally starts hurting. I remember being so confused and lost; I legit felt in that moment felt like I didn't know what I was going to do without him. I remember being tired of crying and trying to figure out why the person I gave so much of myself to was being removed from my life. At the time I didn't understand but eventually I did. I remember also praying and telling God to bless me and show favor over me during the summer of 2016 so that I could heal. That summer I became so busy that I barely had time or spent time thinking about all I had just endured. I kept my mind busy and this started the healing process for me. I began working, going out with friends, and just forcing myself to do other things and keep busy.
Each month turned into year got easier and easier but my choices didn't. I did wait 6 months before I allowed myself to date again and now thinking back on it I could've waited longer but in my head at the time I felt like I was well enough emotionally and mentally to do so. I wasn't jumping in a relationship I just casually dated. I noticed though throughout my journey of dating temptation seemed to have rose higher in me. For the most part I did an okay job at resisting but there were plenty of times where I fell. It got to a point where I began getting tired of repeating the same cycle and getting the same results just from different guys. All in all I was still learning myself. I can say that I've learned A LOT about myself during my single season. I learned to love me, I discovered and realized my worth and I also learned to value my time alone. It took me a while to become content with being single but when I became content I can also say I grew a little cold. I dealt with whoever whenever I wanted. I kept people at arms length and only let them as close to me as I felt comfortable to, and I didn't really care to catch feeling for real. I was being the most casual that I had ever been. I can say my heart did become numb in a sense from the heartbreak but I also felt that I had to strongly guard my heart as well.
I remember so clearly when God had began truly transforming me and changing my heart. He changed my life completely to prepare me for the life He has for me. I see that so clearly now. I went through the trenches...one, because I needed too and two because I was disobedient to God. Those consequences for your bad actions sting sometimes...and baby let me tell you I was STUNG. Moving on the more I was focusing on my relationship with Christ the more I felt all the ways that I ever wanted to feel from a man. I purchased a purity ring in devotion to making the decision to be celibate and save myself until marriage and everything. I legit felt like I was married to Jesus. I know that's a corny cliche line but that's legit how I felt and it felt good. I go on dates with Jesus and if you see the bigger picture you understand the many lessons you learn in being alone with God. I experienced God being a complete gentleman to me and I experienced just a warm and protective love from Him as well. It was a feeling of comfort and security. It's honestly hard to put into words but once you've experienced it I'm sure you'll be able to relate.
Recently I had felt God preparing me for a relationship and ya'll I can tell you I was freaking out. One... because I have legit become content with just being alone. I like my space, alone time, and just moving with my life with minimal thoughts of others. I like not having to answer to no one and going to sleep peacefully knowing I don't have to worry about if someone loves me or wants to be with me and all these other thoughts that some people think about when they are in a relationship. I am truly at peace, but God showed me that He wouldn't prepare me for something I wasn't ready for. I can be honest and say me and God had a small fight about this. He had to show me that time is in His hands, that His plans are greater than my plans, and that His thoughts are higher than mine. So who am I to argue or complain to God about what I see in the natural? I didn't even think I was worthy enough for a relationship yet. I felt like I needed more me time but again....plans interrupted.
I tell this story to encourage the ladies that are in their single season. Enjoy your single season, enjoy your time alone. Use this time to really learn you and focus on your relationship with God. Focus on how you can become a better version of you. I wish I would have spent my entire single season seeking after God in the manner that I do now. The past year has really been one of the only times where I was truly consistently seeking God fully regarding every area of my life. So do that, use this time wisely, value it, and cherish it. Have fun, go out and explore the world, learn to do things alone and with people. Find balance, try new things, and don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Discover your worth, keep yourself busy, and find like minded individuals to build friendships in. Last but not least keep yourself rooted and covered in God.
My prayer today is that we find peace and contentment in our seasons of singleness. I pray that we don't feel lonely or punished. I pray that we never feel forgotten or looked over. I pray that we always feel worthy, loved and chosen. I pray that we feel peace and comfort like we've never felt it before. I pray for our eyes to see ourselves and that God you will strip us, mold, us and transform us into the best version of ourselves daily. Help us to make wise choices and decisions during this journey. I pray you will receive all of the glory from our test turned testimonies.
-Yours Truly, Eb