Lately I have been dealing with this feeling of needing to hold everything in. All the things that I'm working through, all the short comings and moments of defeat. I feel the need to wait and to hold it all in until I can't anymore. There's very few people who I share my deepest inner thoughts with. I wait sometimes until they are available to listen but yet I still feel an emptiness and this feeling of their lack of understanding. Completely not their fault but it's my fault because I vent with this slight expectation that when I empty myself from all that I've held in they will fill the places that I have released and that's where I mess up.
See it's crazy that the one person who I could vent all my problems to and they would do exactly what I need and feel me up with fullness, joy, peace, and everything in between is God. Why don't I/we vent to Him enough? Maybe we think in times of ration that He can't move quickly on our behalf, but that's a lie. Maybe we feel that people in the physical can tie us over until God makes this grand appearance but honestly it doesn't even take all that. We don't vent or run to God because we are so focused on putting our faith in what we see with our naked eye. Some of us only have faith in God to a certain extent and honestly this is why a lot of us are still stuck in the position that we are in. I'm not only speaking to you, I'm also speaking to myself. I can easily ask myself why am I not venting to God like how I vent to the trusted individuals He has placed in my life? God has shown me particularly time and time again that He is very much so active in my life and literally with me. So what's my problem? Why is my faith weak in some areas? It's simply because I haven't let God truly heal the parts of me that carries the most pain and imperfections.
Trusting God and having crazy faith can cause us to be 100% vulnerable and guess what vulnerability is super uncomfortable. I know for me sometimes being vulnerable causes me to be sick to my stomach. It causes me to shut down when I feel like I've given too much of myself not knowing the outcome. It causes me to feel the need to be in control of my outcomes and all of these things result in me not trusting or having faith in God. I'll trust Him with the good things and to bless me in the successful parts of my life but not the unsuccessful parts? How dare I? One thing I'm thankful for in my relationship with Christ is how He will chastise me like an actual parent. When we hear the word chastise we probably instantly think of a spanking or beating of some sort but chastising is simply correction. God corrects out of love. Sometimes it may feel like a spanking but it doesn't even equate because the revelation that He gives just shows how much He truly loves me and cares about everything concerning me. Even if He has to do it over and over and over again until I do what needs to be done on my end so that the outcome is different. I'm thankful that I serve a God who never leaves me or forsakes me. I may feel like I'm in the wilderness sometimes but that's due to my own doings not because God left me there.
I share my personal experience and say all of this to say....talk to God, vent to Him about EVERY THING! Don't hold back. I'm sure He listens and understands much better than the people we put on that pedestal to begin with. There's nothing wrong with venting to friends, family, or whoever you entrust but they shouldn't take place or come before the one person who can fix it all.
My prayer today is that we begin to talk to God and run to Him with not only our problems but with our excitement, joy, and success. I pray that we will begin to talk to God like He's our very best friend, and tell Him all of the things concerning us. I pray that we don't get so caught up in the physical that we disregard the spiritual. I pray that we will give more of ourselves to God in the places that need healing and reviving. I pray that our vulnerability with Christ or others doesn't make us feel the need to shut down and hold fear but that it will be liberating and healing instead.
-Yours Truly, Eb